I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
