I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
