You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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