The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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