Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
