Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No subtext here. People are naked.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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