We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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