just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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