How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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