You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize