just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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