There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
