The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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