oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
