You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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