My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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