Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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