so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i think my cat just said my name.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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