Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
