So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
