My friends, they love my intelligence
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
