I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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