I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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