New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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