i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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