Define "chronic" masturbator.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
