And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
