Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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