i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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