so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i dont even know how to be here
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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