Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
