that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
