I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
