So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
