and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
