You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who wears a wallet chain?!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
