Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
