Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
