I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
