if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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