can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
