Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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