Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
