she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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