i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
