please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
