so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
