he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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