don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
