I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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