My liver just broke up with me...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
