I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
