I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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