so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
