Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
