So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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