My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
