def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
