I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize