ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
